I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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