If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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