So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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