Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's rum buckets o'clock
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
