I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
