I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Someone came in the potted fern
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
