So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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