i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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