Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
