Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
