guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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