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I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You are the jesus of drinking
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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