you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
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