we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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