Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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