I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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