The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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