two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
