I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
