If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
