I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
