I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
