We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
