GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
