and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
