I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
