I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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