Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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