I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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