I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
