Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
