Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
barbara walters just said penis...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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