the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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