it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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