I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
