The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
