I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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