i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
