oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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