Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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