my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
sex in a hospital.. check
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
