so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
