you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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