The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
