I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
