I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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