Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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