In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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