I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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