I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
