The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm sobbing to NWA
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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