If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
