First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This house was built for laser tag.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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