I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
