You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
