I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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