so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize