I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
