We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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