No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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