Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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