Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
